Nothing turns me foaming mouth rabid like a personal ad that looks like this:
“Good looking girl seeks good looking guy. Works out 3 days a week. Witty.”
They may have some line about fine dining, cuddling by a fire, or sunset-lit walks by some scummy puddle. Or head games. And that’s it. There’s probably some badly-lit, nose-enhancing photo that was taken of the writer by his own hand.
I have a history with personals that spans 16 years, and I wrote them for a lot of different reasons: social experiments (write about myself different ways, see what I get); dinner (when I was starving in college); anger (because writing personals used to be an art, dammit!)
The last personal ad I wrote was about 10 months ago. I was angry, like I am now. What happened was I went to craig’s list to scan personals for fun, found the bs like above, and wrote my own ad (no photo, because I’m old school) to show them how it should be done. I wrote that I had a kid and he comes first, that if everyone on this site is so great, why aren’t they out getting laid, and described myself completely, from clothing sizes to hair style to what I like doing by myself to what I like doing with my guy, (yes, sexually), and also what I like to do, my interests, etc. And I met the best guy. We're still together. The interesting thing to me was that I took a tough tone in my ad, and I met powerful people: pro-wrestlers, fashion designers, editors. No joke.
How to Write A Personal Ad
Everyone:
1. You are not looking for the largest number of responses. While flattering to the ego, a large number of responses wastes a lot of time and money. All you need is one response: the right one.
2. Be truthful. Tell them how you look. Not what you weigh, because that can be deceiving. And not some broad adjectives, like skinny or fat or bodacious. If people compliment you on anything, say so. How tall you are, your clothing sizes, hair color, eye color. If you want a photo to cover this, make sure that someone else takes it, that you are not at a wedding, and that you are outside, and look a little nicer than usual.
3. If you have anyone special already in your life, be it a child, or wife, or a cat, say so. A lot of people are allergic to children, spouses and/or pets. Bring it up in your ad, and save everyone (including yourself) some time.
4. Write down what you like to do, whether it is watching "Friends" or illegally training a pet dolphin in your pool. Write down ideally how much and what kind of sex you like or not like. You don't have to get too deep into the description, or too graphic or visual. You can say something like, "I like giving and getting oral, but I don't let anyone play with my feet." That's it. Keep those foot fetishists at bay.
5. Describing the other person.
Think back to any qualities that all your boyfriends/girlfriends shared in all of your successful relationships. Like, I realized that all my favorite boyfriends had very large media collections: records, tapes, cds, dvds, videos, books--basically massive libraries in their homes. I made sure to put that in my ad. This may take some time and some lists, but maybe all of your favorites liked "Friends" or something.
An ad written by a straight woman should list her minimum physical requirements for a guy. Not the maximum. You may think that will get you less than what you ask for, but actually, you will get honest guys that are more than what you ask for. I asked for someone taller than me (5'5 or taller) and no fatter than Jack Black in my last ad. My guy is 5'9, and 160lbs. Perfect.
An ad written by a man, ideally, should not list any physical requirements that have to do with a woman's body, other than maybe her height. Women are in a difficult position: society tells them they all have to look like Paris Hilton, but that'll never be so, and you will probably miss out on women without huge egos if you talk about how beautiful they have to be. I think the best way to hedge this whole issue is to be very vague:" slim pref.", or "endowed pref.", "only responses with pix will be answered" (but you better have your own pic up for that one). And if you want someone very athletic, you should probably cover that in your interests section, as in, "After a long day studying frog genitalia in the lab, I want someone to bike ride ten miles with me and recount to me what happened on "Survivor." Something like that will probably get all of the dumb, fat chics who need you home at 6:30 at bay.
6. Write your "headline" last. Write everything else. Don't worry about being too witty. In my experience, the wittier the ad, the dumber the respondents. Just try to be clear. At the end, of all your lists, see if there is any kind of common thread, witty head line you can come up with. If not, just look at the list of activities you like to do, pick out your favorite one, and just say "Seeking someone to ______ with me."
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
If I were Dear Abby (2)
As I mentioned in ShockMania Comics(shockmania.blogspot.com), I am an advice column addict. It's almost the only reason I get the Staten Island Ad-vance (that and wacky Islanders' building code shenanigans/rat-outs). I like to take on repeat Dear Abby letters.
Dear Abby,
I have been with this guy for a while, but he won't commit. Maybe he's afraid of commitment? What should I do?
Demanding
Dear Demanding,
It depends on what you mean by not committing.
Is he running around with a bunch of chics? Then you should probably dump him for someone who is committed to safe-condom-free sex, at the very least.
Is he basically your boyfriend but your life goal is to get married and have 2.2 kids? Then you'll have to have the "talk," and tell him that if he's not on board with this goal of yours, you'll have to make him walk the plank before you waste any more of eachother's time. And then follow through. Not that you can't be friends, but no one wants to hear that stupid line from the deep blue briny.
Is he a nice boyfriend? Are you having a good time? Are you on the fence about the whole kid thing? Maybe you're the one who is scared. Scared of losing him, of the future, whatever. Remember that getting married offers no guarantees, just a lot of legal complications, and enjoy your boyfriend as long as you have him.
Dear Abby,
I have been with this guy for a while, but he won't commit. Maybe he's afraid of commitment? What should I do?
Demanding
Dear Demanding,
It depends on what you mean by not committing.
Is he running around with a bunch of chics? Then you should probably dump him for someone who is committed to safe-condom-free sex, at the very least.
Is he basically your boyfriend but your life goal is to get married and have 2.2 kids? Then you'll have to have the "talk," and tell him that if he's not on board with this goal of yours, you'll have to make him walk the plank before you waste any more of eachother's time. And then follow through. Not that you can't be friends, but no one wants to hear that stupid line from the deep blue briny.
Is he a nice boyfriend? Are you having a good time? Are you on the fence about the whole kid thing? Maybe you're the one who is scared. Scared of losing him, of the future, whatever. Remember that getting married offers no guarantees, just a lot of legal complications, and enjoy your boyfriend as long as you have him.
Monday, June 27, 2005
How To Keep Attention Focused on You While Online
There are so many people in chat rooms and online groups these days! They are so smart and interesting, how in the world will you be able to keep attention focussed on yourself?
One great way to keep attention focussed on yourself is to have an aggressively sexy nick (like h*t p*ssy) and then say that you will not do any personal messaging. (Thanks for bringing this up, Sugs!) This nick will drag the attention of many poor horny bastards to you, start flirty little fights, and keep as much attention on you as possible. Plus, you keep your good girl image by rejecting pm's. Unfortunately, smart ones will know that talkers aren't f*ckers, and may avoid you.
Another good way to keep the attention on yourself is to say something contrary in the group. Be sure to be huffy and self-righteous, and never admit you are wrong. This will flare anger in the group, and maybe some divisiveness too. Unlike the first one, this may get the attention of some smart people in the group/room, and they might type to you like mad. After everyone is tired of typing about this, go around saying you are sorry, but still not admitting you are wrong, and start "explaining".
Get very, very emotional about an offhand comment. Make sure no one could possibly understand how you feel. Make sure everyone feels bad, and says that they're sorry. And don't let that be good enough for you, until everyone is sick of talking about it. Then tell everyone that it's okay, and send out another round of posts telling them it's ok, to get everyone to pay attention to you once more.
I am sure there are many other ways to keep everyone's attention on you in your chatroom/online group. If you have any other favorites (or classics), send them as comments or if they are too long, by email, (sukihoshi24@yahoo.com). I will post them and give you credit.
One great way to keep attention focussed on yourself is to have an aggressively sexy nick (like h*t p*ssy) and then say that you will not do any personal messaging. (Thanks for bringing this up, Sugs!) This nick will drag the attention of many poor horny bastards to you, start flirty little fights, and keep as much attention on you as possible. Plus, you keep your good girl image by rejecting pm's. Unfortunately, smart ones will know that talkers aren't f*ckers, and may avoid you.
Another good way to keep the attention on yourself is to say something contrary in the group. Be sure to be huffy and self-righteous, and never admit you are wrong. This will flare anger in the group, and maybe some divisiveness too. Unlike the first one, this may get the attention of some smart people in the group/room, and they might type to you like mad. After everyone is tired of typing about this, go around saying you are sorry, but still not admitting you are wrong, and start "explaining".
Get very, very emotional about an offhand comment. Make sure no one could possibly understand how you feel. Make sure everyone feels bad, and says that they're sorry. And don't let that be good enough for you, until everyone is sick of talking about it. Then tell everyone that it's okay, and send out another round of posts telling them it's ok, to get everyone to pay attention to you once more.
I am sure there are many other ways to keep everyone's attention on you in your chatroom/online group. If you have any other favorites (or classics), send them as comments or if they are too long, by email, (sukihoshi24@yahoo.com). I will post them and give you credit.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Ekas Annoying Christianoi (Nice Christianoi can hang out)
For the past few days there has been quite a hubbub at my Neo-Hellenic online group, because a worship group in Greece uses the words "Ekas Christianoi" (Depart Christians!) at the beginning of its ceremonies. Now, Greece may be a democracy, but it is also a theocracy: if you don't show up at the Greek Orthodox Church, a priest may come to your house and try to exorcise the devil. Well, anyways, some of the non-Hellenic members got freaked out about this negative energy, ma-an, and the whole thing descended into bickering, excruciatingly long posts, people responding to posts they didn't fully read (guilty as charged), and a round of whiney toughness talk ("I have TOO faced oppression, dammit!") which I will discuss in another post.
None of this solved the original problem: How do we make Annoying Christians go away? Now, I'm not talking about nice Christians, who keep to themselves, and just happily worship their god. One of my best friends is very active in her church, and I deeply respect her because she really knows her Bible, and is thoughtful about it. I am talking about ANNOYING, OPPRESSIVE PROSELYTIZERS, TELLING ME WHO, HOW AND WHERE TO WORSHIP, AND WHAT SHOULD BE DONE TO MY SOUL.
Three Ways to Make Annoying Christians Go Away
1. The next time someone starts talking to you (especially in a big crowd) about Jesus, do what my friend Hell Kitten does: Interrupt, and as if you never spoke the word "Jesus" before you your life, say, "Sooo, what can you tell me about this...jeeeeezzzz-us?" The person will start talking directly to you, as if you were a live one, and you say, "Wow that is so much to learn about jeeeeeeeeezzzzz-us. Is there any way I can read about him?" When he hands you a pamphlet, look at it carefully, turn it in your hands and say, "This is so small. Is there any other way I can learn more?" Then he will start talking to you more, but by now you won't be able to hear him over the roar of the laughter of the crowd around you, and you can just leave.
2. Hierophant's Proselytizer's Questionnaire. It's about 20 pages long, and designed to waste this proselytizer's time in an attempt to convert you. Make a lot of copies. Keep one with you at all times. It's more from the atheist camp, but still useful. Here's the link:
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/5599/hpq/hpq-print.html
3. Hit them in the pocket book. Find a way to sue! Do a slip and fall in front of a church. Those poor victims of pedophilic priests are really taking the Catholic Church apart stone by stone with this maneuver. Think of a reason to sue, and follow through.
None of this solved the original problem: How do we make Annoying Christians go away? Now, I'm not talking about nice Christians, who keep to themselves, and just happily worship their god. One of my best friends is very active in her church, and I deeply respect her because she really knows her Bible, and is thoughtful about it. I am talking about ANNOYING, OPPRESSIVE PROSELYTIZERS, TELLING ME WHO, HOW AND WHERE TO WORSHIP, AND WHAT SHOULD BE DONE TO MY SOUL.
Three Ways to Make Annoying Christians Go Away
1. The next time someone starts talking to you (especially in a big crowd) about Jesus, do what my friend Hell Kitten does: Interrupt, and as if you never spoke the word "Jesus" before you your life, say, "Sooo, what can you tell me about this...jeeeeezzzz-us?" The person will start talking directly to you, as if you were a live one, and you say, "Wow that is so much to learn about jeeeeeeeeezzzzz-us. Is there any way I can read about him?" When he hands you a pamphlet, look at it carefully, turn it in your hands and say, "This is so small. Is there any other way I can learn more?" Then he will start talking to you more, but by now you won't be able to hear him over the roar of the laughter of the crowd around you, and you can just leave.
2. Hierophant's Proselytizer's Questionnaire. It's about 20 pages long, and designed to waste this proselytizer's time in an attempt to convert you. Make a lot of copies. Keep one with you at all times. It's more from the atheist camp, but still useful. Here's the link:
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/5599/hpq/hpq-print.html
3. Hit them in the pocket book. Find a way to sue! Do a slip and fall in front of a church. Those poor victims of pedophilic priests are really taking the Catholic Church apart stone by stone with this maneuver. Think of a reason to sue, and follow through.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
This story brought to you by Glaucos, who I met through a neo-hellenic group.
Well, where can i start to explain. Many years ago, when i was about 17 or 18, I converted to Islam and underwent what I now call a "muslim re-education". After some months of learning the traditions and ways of the Islamic community, I was refered during the Bosnia crisis to an aid organisation running aid to the poor bosnian muslims, where I discovered a whole new perspective on life. I didn't get to Bosnia because a few things happened to me that made me reconsider a few things about humanity, christianity and islam. (And the poor ordinary folk caught up as passive members of their captive audience who were slowly dragged in exodus from slaughter zone to slaughter zone....) So what do you think made me come away from it all? Because I saw through some boxes and learnt what "friends" wanted to do with the "aid"? As we are online, there's no way I can post about what I found, and what plans were being made for "Jihad" and why they were making them. The core of their reason was "They kill us whenever they find us. We should not send food and clothes, we should send ammo. We want our women to shoot the enemy when they are resisting rape and murder, not be well fed and wearing nice clothes waiting for them!" And on the other foot, a boot equally as hard and steely. There is no mercy and no hesitation in the slaughter. I'm not condoning anything. I will exhort all fellows at all times to be ready for these people. The muslims got their asses kicked in Bosnia because they trusted their chrisitian neighbours.
So in view of what I experienced, coming into contact with a terrorist cell and listening to their reasoning, their scope and planning for future destructions within the UK, I left these people to their own nutty designs. On the one hand there were christians commiting mass slaughter (again) for whatever reason and muslims trying to slaughter as recompense for the pleasure of Allah. Both were as bad as the other, as willy nilly machine gun fire at random targets was not what I'd enlisted to do, it was to defend a pacifist driver from assault on a misson to take clothes and food aid. What this taught me, especially as I was (it was told me) going to be used to undermine and cause havoc amongst my own people in my own nation, is that there was no actual cause, it was professional terror and the guys were just troublemakers who'd found a temporary cause to get some glory and some young gullible members.
And there are so many of these lunatics!
So please don't call me the darkest and most hateful, or crazy. I just want you to realise that in your own city, even your own district, there are fundamentalists who want to nail you up and burn you alive, that is, after torturing you and screwing you to unconsciousness. Sorry if I've offended anyone with some dark truths. Though I'm sure that its more than just excrement. And I got to say it after what I view another "internet assualt" by someone who writes faster that they think, whenever I hear what others call a "fluffy bunny" warbling about peace and forgiveness, I kind of hear it differently ever since I read Tolkeins LOTR and examined Grimer Wormtounges assistance to the King. Essentially, Grimer would have had the king "on all fours like a beast", and that "the king is tired by the constant talk of warmongering". Could we just compare it with the words by Aragon, "War is upon you, wether you like it or not". That really does "take the worm".
"Fluffy Bunnisms" is a misnomer. Really. Its Grimerism in its most deceitful, reality suspending form. I'd appreciate it if you'd blog this message so that your readers can understand fully my sentiment.
So in view of what I experienced, coming into contact with a terrorist cell and listening to their reasoning, their scope and planning for future destructions within the UK, I left these people to their own nutty designs. On the one hand there were christians commiting mass slaughter (again) for whatever reason and muslims trying to slaughter as recompense for the pleasure of Allah. Both were as bad as the other, as willy nilly machine gun fire at random targets was not what I'd enlisted to do, it was to defend a pacifist driver from assault on a misson to take clothes and food aid. What this taught me, especially as I was (it was told me) going to be used to undermine and cause havoc amongst my own people in my own nation, is that there was no actual cause, it was professional terror and the guys were just troublemakers who'd found a temporary cause to get some glory and some young gullible members.
And there are so many of these lunatics!
So please don't call me the darkest and most hateful, or crazy. I just want you to realise that in your own city, even your own district, there are fundamentalists who want to nail you up and burn you alive, that is, after torturing you and screwing you to unconsciousness. Sorry if I've offended anyone with some dark truths. Though I'm sure that its more than just excrement. And I got to say it after what I view another "internet assualt" by someone who writes faster that they think, whenever I hear what others call a "fluffy bunny" warbling about peace and forgiveness, I kind of hear it differently ever since I read Tolkeins LOTR and examined Grimer Wormtounges assistance to the King. Essentially, Grimer would have had the king "on all fours like a beast", and that "the king is tired by the constant talk of warmongering". Could we just compare it with the words by Aragon, "War is upon you, wether you like it or not". That really does "take the worm".
"Fluffy Bunnisms" is a misnomer. Really. Its Grimerism in its most deceitful, reality suspending form. I'd appreciate it if you'd blog this message so that your readers can understand fully my sentiment.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
How I Made Myself Wince
Ok, we have all heard about the inflatable doll for men. I have seen them. They are ugly--and if you can bear to imagine--sticky and uncomfortable like vinyl car seat to a sweaty person.
Imagine this: if you can bear it--a spongy doll on a plastic armiture so you can bend the arms and stuff. It would not be as compact as the blowup one, but sponge is squishy and could perhaps be folded into an innocent looking suitcase. The advantage of wetting for slight expansion and sensation, and also the advantage of a more life-like squishy feel of a human body without the hard seams, and pinchy vinyl.
Imagination...too...powerful... can't...stop...yuk!
This is why fantasy is no fun for me--I immediately imagine all the technical details, ramifications, how everything feels--and yuk!
Imagine this: if you can bear it--a spongy doll on a plastic armiture so you can bend the arms and stuff. It would not be as compact as the blowup one, but sponge is squishy and could perhaps be folded into an innocent looking suitcase. The advantage of wetting for slight expansion and sensation, and also the advantage of a more life-like squishy feel of a human body without the hard seams, and pinchy vinyl.
Imagination...too...powerful... can't...stop...yuk!
This is why fantasy is no fun for me--I immediately imagine all the technical details, ramifications, how everything feels--and yuk!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
For Men Only!!! First Dates. (ToGL 5)
First date! Aaaaah! Scary! I must impress her! I must blow all my money on tickets to that Robyn Hitchcock revival show and dress to the nines and make sure I have a condom...
Wrong answer. I have hung out with so many guys the day after this disaster. They don't cry, but they have such an ideal night on their minds, there's no way it could turn out well.
1. Plan small. Plan for 2 to 3 hours of fun. Do not blow all your money. Movie then a light dinner. A short walk in the country, and a bottle of wine, fancy crackers. A few games of squash, followed by drinks.
2. Take only ten minutes more getting ready. Your clothes only need to be clean and fit well. If you shave, shave. Clip your fingernails (you never know). Yes, bring 2 or 3 rubbers (you Boy Scout, you!)
3. Have fun! Make sure you are both having fun, and take care of your date. If it's good, hang out more. If it goes bad, it goes bad--not every two tastes taste great together. (You were peanut butter, but you didn't know she was pizza.) Finish the date politely as possible.
Wrong answer. I have hung out with so many guys the day after this disaster. They don't cry, but they have such an ideal night on their minds, there's no way it could turn out well.
1. Plan small. Plan for 2 to 3 hours of fun. Do not blow all your money. Movie then a light dinner. A short walk in the country, and a bottle of wine, fancy crackers. A few games of squash, followed by drinks.
2. Take only ten minutes more getting ready. Your clothes only need to be clean and fit well. If you shave, shave. Clip your fingernails (you never know). Yes, bring 2 or 3 rubbers (you Boy Scout, you!)
3. Have fun! Make sure you are both having fun, and take care of your date. If it's good, hang out more. If it goes bad, it goes bad--not every two tastes taste great together. (You were peanut butter, but you didn't know she was pizza.) Finish the date politely as possible.
Short Story Reveals All About Author!!!
How to Write a Two-Page Story for a Fiction Writing Contest
1. After seeing an ad for a very short story contest in a local magazine, you call all your writer friends and beg them to enter, saying “You will be sure to win! And seeing as I found this contest for you, and the prize is two hundred dollars and publication, you can take me out to lunch.” You go on to explain to these friends that you haven’t eaten lunch out for a while because funds are low due to the divorce-thing, moving-out-thing, two-year-old kid thing. So they really have to enter.
2. Most of your friends will basically say, “Mmm-hmm, maybe I will enter,” but you know they won’t. You were just kind of playing/kvetching anyway. But your best friend says, “Say, you haven’t written in a long time, why don’t you enter?” And you think “Because I’m tired or my little angel/devil at home won’t let me or I have no time or my computer’s broken, or I haven’t written in a long time.” None of these excuses really hold up even inside your mind. Before you can formulate something worth breath, your best friend says, “This is a good thing. You’ve been all crazy with your divorce/moving/kid thing. You have to enter. We’ll do it together.” Your best friend takes your hand firmly. You can’t get out of this now.
3. You sit down on the ferry that night, on the way home from work, pull out a yellow legal pad, yank a pen out of the bottom of your bag, and take a deep breath. Nothing. Your mind is a complete blank. You look at the people around you, sitting reading the paper, or leaning forward, slightly hunched with their eyes closed. Still nothing. You close your own eyes.
4. Repeat Step 3, only in the morning.
5. Desperately, you try to hear your inner voice, your inner child, your inner god, your own Mark Twain, but there is nothing but the deafening roar of the resentful divorce-thing, stultifying work-thing, laughing-destroying angel/devil thing.
6. You pull out your notebook and pen on the ferry once again, but realize that this is a contest, so there is a deadline. Stressed, you try to recall every writer’s –block-busting exercise from every frizzy, brown-haired writing workshop mediator you ever met: from Write 100 Things You Did Today, to Write the First Ten Lines to Write the Last Ten Lines to Write a Dialog from Unconnected Words to…
7. On that ferry ride and the next and at lunch time, you’re really cookin’! You write pages and pages of lists, you’re getting ideas—or at least your pad is not empty anymore. And then you take a breath and look at what you wrote. You realize that when you read the List of Ten First Lines, you immediately know the last ten lines that go with them—and so will everyone else. The 100 Things You Did Today are not what anyone would want to read and your dialogs sound like dull echoes of “Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City”—or worse, “Betrayal” a TV sex thriller you fell asleep to in 1978.
8. After your kid goes to sleep, you call your friend who will enter this contest with you—the one who is sure to win, and take you out to lunch. “I’m working on a deadline for this article, and they’re going to pay me! Don’t you have anything old you can send?”
9. You hang up the phone. You know now you are a miserable failure. You feel a sob coming on... You lie in bed, and sob straight into the pillow. You sob until your stomach muscles cramp, until your voice is hoarse. You sob yourself to sleep.
10. You wake up about an hour before your kid will. A fraying red felt-tip pen and a doodle pad are on the floor next to you. You forget steps one through nine, your divorce, money, new apartment, kid, who you are. You write the first word that comes to mind and keep going.
1. After seeing an ad for a very short story contest in a local magazine, you call all your writer friends and beg them to enter, saying “You will be sure to win! And seeing as I found this contest for you, and the prize is two hundred dollars and publication, you can take me out to lunch.” You go on to explain to these friends that you haven’t eaten lunch out for a while because funds are low due to the divorce-thing, moving-out-thing, two-year-old kid thing. So they really have to enter.
2. Most of your friends will basically say, “Mmm-hmm, maybe I will enter,” but you know they won’t. You were just kind of playing/kvetching anyway. But your best friend says, “Say, you haven’t written in a long time, why don’t you enter?” And you think “Because I’m tired or my little angel/devil at home won’t let me or I have no time or my computer’s broken, or I haven’t written in a long time.” None of these excuses really hold up even inside your mind. Before you can formulate something worth breath, your best friend says, “This is a good thing. You’ve been all crazy with your divorce/moving/kid thing. You have to enter. We’ll do it together.” Your best friend takes your hand firmly. You can’t get out of this now.
3. You sit down on the ferry that night, on the way home from work, pull out a yellow legal pad, yank a pen out of the bottom of your bag, and take a deep breath. Nothing. Your mind is a complete blank. You look at the people around you, sitting reading the paper, or leaning forward, slightly hunched with their eyes closed. Still nothing. You close your own eyes.
4. Repeat Step 3, only in the morning.
5. Desperately, you try to hear your inner voice, your inner child, your inner god, your own Mark Twain, but there is nothing but the deafening roar of the resentful divorce-thing, stultifying work-thing, laughing-destroying angel/devil thing.
6. You pull out your notebook and pen on the ferry once again, but realize that this is a contest, so there is a deadline. Stressed, you try to recall every writer’s –block-busting exercise from every frizzy, brown-haired writing workshop mediator you ever met: from Write 100 Things You Did Today, to Write the First Ten Lines to Write the Last Ten Lines to Write a Dialog from Unconnected Words to…
7. On that ferry ride and the next and at lunch time, you’re really cookin’! You write pages and pages of lists, you’re getting ideas—or at least your pad is not empty anymore. And then you take a breath and look at what you wrote. You realize that when you read the List of Ten First Lines, you immediately know the last ten lines that go with them—and so will everyone else. The 100 Things You Did Today are not what anyone would want to read and your dialogs sound like dull echoes of “Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City”—or worse, “Betrayal” a TV sex thriller you fell asleep to in 1978.
8. After your kid goes to sleep, you call your friend who will enter this contest with you—the one who is sure to win, and take you out to lunch. “I’m working on a deadline for this article, and they’re going to pay me! Don’t you have anything old you can send?”
9. You hang up the phone. You know now you are a miserable failure. You feel a sob coming on... You lie in bed, and sob straight into the pillow. You sob until your stomach muscles cramp, until your voice is hoarse. You sob yourself to sleep.
10. You wake up about an hour before your kid will. A fraying red felt-tip pen and a doodle pad are on the floor next to you. You forget steps one through nine, your divorce, money, new apartment, kid, who you are. You write the first word that comes to mind and keep going.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Personal Anagrams
One great reason to change my name is that my original has the word "encephalitis" in it.
Here is my favorite from the personal section:
An obit copy-editor
From: Gayle Guillory (dreamergmariegATyahoo.com)Subject: obituary = I to bury a...Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003
As a first-year copy-editor at an Illinois newspaper, I specialize primarily in obituaries. I've had difficulties with a co-worker, who, having given me a recommendation for the job, was angry over being unable to get into my pants, pretty much. One of my anagrams was: "Lay eulogy girl."
Here is my favorite from the personal section:
An obit copy-editor
From: Gayle Guillory (dreamergmariegATyahoo.com)Subject: obituary = I to bury a...Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003
As a first-year copy-editor at an Illinois newspaper, I specialize primarily in obituaries. I've had difficulties with a co-worker, who, having given me a recommendation for the job, was angry over being unable to get into my pants, pretty much. One of my anagrams was: "Lay eulogy girl."
Thursday, June 16, 2005
The Importance of Goofing Off
What a fuktup society that we need an article from Psychology Today to tell us to fuck around.
If I get married, I'm going the old fashioned way...
400 b.c., or so...
I want to feel the presence of Aphrodite.
I want to feel the presence of Aphrodite.
Tips on Getting Laid, Part 4.1 Initial Encounters with the Hot
When we last left our hero, whose face was half-eaten off by a tiger, was going to encounter a lovely lady with a very large, beautiful, pair of...feet. He was very nervous, and afraid he was going to just go over there, say something stupid, and drool all over her...feet.
But he's not going to do that. This guy is going to do something else. He is going to be "cool." Being cool is a head game you play with your own head, and not anyone else's, and it has nothing to do with aloofness, Tom Cruise, or sunglasses.
There are only four principles to being cool:
1. You are your own person--even if you are tied up and forced to eat shit for 90 days, no one owns your mind.
2. No one is better than you. Maybe richer, maybe more famous or beautiful or glamorous. But no one is better. So you kowtow to no one!!! If someone more beautiful or whatever is making you nervous, picture him or her sitting on the toilet, making constipated faces. It happens to everyone.
3. A lot of people, in some way or another, are worse off than you. Have some compassion, and try to make the people around you (whether they are smart, dumb, beautiful, etc.) feel comfortable with you.
So, now our guy goes over to our girl, with all that in mind, perhaps running all those rules over and over in his head, to try to stay calm. (That does help.) How does he know that she's into him?
Body language! There are a lot of good books on body language out there. But here are the basics on how to tell if people are attracted to you:
1. They make eye contact.
2. They lean toward you.
3. They respond to you in an animated way (a lot of talking and laughing).
4. They keep their body open (no arms or legs crossed) and turned toward you.
5. They try to touch you in a casual way (maybe your arms; it may seem accidental).
6. They talk to you about relationships or sex, directly or indirectly.
OK, now our guy does have that whole tiger-ate-part-of-his-face problem. He may not get positive body language at first. Does that mean he should give up? No. If it wasn't a recent injury, he should be used to being winced at by now. But he's cool, right?
Tiger guy approaches Feet girl. She winces. He notices this body language. He tries to make her feel comfortable (cool rule 3) with his looks by making a joke. "Oh, my Phantom of the Opera mask is out for a polish today." Maybe she laughs, nervously. He makes a comment about the game, to strike up a real conversation.
If this works, and they do have a real conversation, he should ask her for a very casual meeting outside the venue right away, before the whole stupid crush thing can develop. A very casual date is a beer, or coffee, at a time when either of them can disappear nicely if it all goes south. Lunch is good. Happy hour is good, too. No dressing up, no wondering what'll happen. The less drama the better.
If it doesn't work out, and she just walks away, tells him she has a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband, etc., she's been ruled out without too much time lost on a dead end.
But he's not going to do that. This guy is going to do something else. He is going to be "cool." Being cool is a head game you play with your own head, and not anyone else's, and it has nothing to do with aloofness, Tom Cruise, or sunglasses.
There are only four principles to being cool:
1. You are your own person--even if you are tied up and forced to eat shit for 90 days, no one owns your mind.
2. No one is better than you. Maybe richer, maybe more famous or beautiful or glamorous. But no one is better. So you kowtow to no one!!! If someone more beautiful or whatever is making you nervous, picture him or her sitting on the toilet, making constipated faces. It happens to everyone.
3. A lot of people, in some way or another, are worse off than you. Have some compassion, and try to make the people around you (whether they are smart, dumb, beautiful, etc.) feel comfortable with you.
So, now our guy goes over to our girl, with all that in mind, perhaps running all those rules over and over in his head, to try to stay calm. (That does help.) How does he know that she's into him?
Body language! There are a lot of good books on body language out there. But here are the basics on how to tell if people are attracted to you:
1. They make eye contact.
2. They lean toward you.
3. They respond to you in an animated way (a lot of talking and laughing).
4. They keep their body open (no arms or legs crossed) and turned toward you.
5. They try to touch you in a casual way (maybe your arms; it may seem accidental).
6. They talk to you about relationships or sex, directly or indirectly.
OK, now our guy does have that whole tiger-ate-part-of-his-face problem. He may not get positive body language at first. Does that mean he should give up? No. If it wasn't a recent injury, he should be used to being winced at by now. But he's cool, right?
Tiger guy approaches Feet girl. She winces. He notices this body language. He tries to make her feel comfortable (cool rule 3) with his looks by making a joke. "Oh, my Phantom of the Opera mask is out for a polish today." Maybe she laughs, nervously. He makes a comment about the game, to strike up a real conversation.
If this works, and they do have a real conversation, he should ask her for a very casual meeting outside the venue right away, before the whole stupid crush thing can develop. A very casual date is a beer, or coffee, at a time when either of them can disappear nicely if it all goes south. Lunch is good. Happy hour is good, too. No dressing up, no wondering what'll happen. The less drama the better.
If it doesn't work out, and she just walks away, tells him she has a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband, etc., she's been ruled out without too much time lost on a dead end.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Overheard at the Office
1. "He's the healthiest man in the cemetery!"
2. "Are you smiling to yourself?
"I'm happy with myself. If you're not happy with yourself, who can you be happy with?"
" You are so perverted!"
2. "Are you smiling to yourself?
"I'm happy with myself. If you're not happy with yourself, who can you be happy with?"
" You are so perverted!"
Monday, June 13, 2005
Tips on Getting Laid, Part 4
Okay, so, you've been getting outside: you've joined the local chess club, found a watering hole with the best Robyn Hitchcock cover band you've ever heard, and attend weekly squash tournaments. You've made witty observations to a few people. Some people have ignored you. Some people laughed, and asked you your name.
Across the squash field, a beautiful woman with the biggest, most beautiful pair of um...feet you have ever seen. And you really love big, beautiful...feet. There is no easy way to do this. You could spend weeks doing research (aka stalking) to find out that she is the County Squash Society's Treasurer's sister, that she is available, etc., but that'll get her mad if she catches you, and there is a much faster and easier way: go over and make one of your witty observations about your surroundings...just like you have been to pretty much everyone who would listen.
But you can't. I know you can't. You just know that you are going to go over there, say something stupid, and salivate all over her big, beautiful...feet. And besides, someone with such beautiful feet would not be into you so you just better forget the whole thing, right? Yeah. Right.
NO!!! You never know what anyone is looking for!!! She may be totally turned on by the fact your face was half-eaten off by a tiger. She may find it very manly that you survived the tiger attack!!! Which brings us to the encounter.
To be continued...
Across the squash field, a beautiful woman with the biggest, most beautiful pair of um...feet you have ever seen. And you really love big, beautiful...feet. There is no easy way to do this. You could spend weeks doing research (aka stalking) to find out that she is the County Squash Society's Treasurer's sister, that she is available, etc., but that'll get her mad if she catches you, and there is a much faster and easier way: go over and make one of your witty observations about your surroundings...just like you have been to pretty much everyone who would listen.
But you can't. I know you can't. You just know that you are going to go over there, say something stupid, and salivate all over her big, beautiful...feet. And besides, someone with such beautiful feet would not be into you so you just better forget the whole thing, right? Yeah. Right.
NO!!! You never know what anyone is looking for!!! She may be totally turned on by the fact your face was half-eaten off by a tiger. She may find it very manly that you survived the tiger attack!!! Which brings us to the encounter.
To be continued...
Friday, June 10, 2005
GWB really said this. From Drongo. Corroborating Link, because I didn't believe it.
For Immediate ReleaseOffice of the Press SecretarySeptember 6, 2004
President's Remarks at a Victory 2004 Rally in PoplarBluff, Missouri Ray Clinton ParkPoplar Bluff, Missouri 6:08 P.M. CDT
But let me tell you what else we need to do. We needto do something about these frivolous lawsuits thatare running up the cost of your health care andrunning good docs out of business. (Applause.) We'vegot an issue in America. Too many good docs aregetting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't ableto practice their love with women all across thiscountry. See, I don't think you can be pro-doctor andpro-patient and pro-hospital and pro-trial lawyer atthe same time. (Applause.) I think you've got to makea choice. My opponent made his choice, and he put himon the ticket. (Applause.) I made my choice. I'm formedical liability reform now. (Applause.) In all we doto improve health care, we will make sure that healthdecisions are made by doctors and patients, not bybureaucrats in Washington, D.C. (Applause.)
President's Remarks at a Victory 2004 Rally in PoplarBluff, Missouri Ray Clinton ParkPoplar Bluff, Missouri 6:08 P.M. CDT
But let me tell you what else we need to do. We needto do something about these frivolous lawsuits thatare running up the cost of your health care andrunning good docs out of business. (Applause.) We'vegot an issue in America. Too many good docs aregetting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't ableto practice their love with women all across thiscountry. See, I don't think you can be pro-doctor andpro-patient and pro-hospital and pro-trial lawyer atthe same time. (Applause.) I think you've got to makea choice. My opponent made his choice, and he put himon the ticket. (Applause.) I made my choice. I'm formedical liability reform now. (Applause.) In all we doto improve health care, we will make sure that healthdecisions are made by doctors and patients, not bybureaucrats in Washington, D.C. (Applause.)
Spork's
This is my latest idea:
A classy, but kid-friendly restaurant called "Spork's". It would have a sophisticated adult menu, with a wide-ranging kids' menu; good, sound-eating acoustics; a play area for the kids in the middle of the room; a good selection of high-quality alcohol.
Think in terms of having some of your favorite cousins and their kids over for dinner. What happens afterwards? The adults sit around, watch the kids, drink and talk. The kids play. What a money-maker on drinks alone.
A classy, but kid-friendly restaurant called "Spork's". It would have a sophisticated adult menu, with a wide-ranging kids' menu; good, sound-eating acoustics; a play area for the kids in the middle of the room; a good selection of high-quality alcohol.
Think in terms of having some of your favorite cousins and their kids over for dinner. What happens afterwards? The adults sit around, watch the kids, drink and talk. The kids play. What a money-maker on drinks alone.
Thursday, June 9, 2005
The Big Knot
On Saturday, my boyfriend Drongo will be officiating a marriage through a Reverendship he bought on the internet. How cool is that?
Of course this makes me think about tying the knot. It would be a third time, if I decided to do such a thing. My mistake with the first one was thinking I could change him; my mistake with the second was thinking that marriage wouldn't change him.
The two big things with marriage are these: wives have a really bad reputation in my book (the gift of giving good head somehow disappears and is replaced by the gift of waving a rolling pin); and family is one of the hardest things in the world--just think of all the crazy mixed feelings your parents had for eachother at one point or another. Do you really want to go there?
The only thing that draws me to it is this: marriage is a deep and soulful enterprise, and I am drawn to go into everything ever more deeply and soulfully. It's the only way to live, in my opinion.
Of course this makes me think about tying the knot. It would be a third time, if I decided to do such a thing. My mistake with the first one was thinking I could change him; my mistake with the second was thinking that marriage wouldn't change him.
The two big things with marriage are these: wives have a really bad reputation in my book (the gift of giving good head somehow disappears and is replaced by the gift of waving a rolling pin); and family is one of the hardest things in the world--just think of all the crazy mixed feelings your parents had for eachother at one point or another. Do you really want to go there?
The only thing that draws me to it is this: marriage is a deep and soulful enterprise, and I am drawn to go into everything ever more deeply and soulfully. It's the only way to live, in my opinion.
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Hotness
About ten years ago--or maybe more--people used to talk about coolness. Now everything is "hot," meaning merely sexy or desirable. The thing about "hotness" that everyone fails to mention, is that hot things grow tepid pretty quickly.
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
Self-involved post alert!!! :Name Change. Legal. Soon.
Why? I have always had the urge. It doesn't hurt anyone, so why not?
And it's cheap. Some of my tattoos cost more. A lot more.
Ok. Everything I choose, my friends say, "that sounds fake" or like a "porn name" or something.
I think my new rules for naming myself will be the faker, the better, and if it sounds like a comic book character, even better.
The reason?
1. My name is going to seem fake to my friends no matter what, because it's not my given name, so I might as well go all the way.
2. People with fake-sounding names have a mysterious quality. People wonder if that's the person's "real" name, wonder why they changed it, and if they are running from the law. I'll become a "woman with a past." As if I'm not one already. Ha.
And it's cheap. Some of my tattoos cost more. A lot more.
Ok. Everything I choose, my friends say, "that sounds fake" or like a "porn name" or something.
I think my new rules for naming myself will be the faker, the better, and if it sounds like a comic book character, even better.
The reason?
1. My name is going to seem fake to my friends no matter what, because it's not my given name, so I might as well go all the way.
2. People with fake-sounding names have a mysterious quality. People wonder if that's the person's "real" name, wonder why they changed it, and if they are running from the law. I'll become a "woman with a past." As if I'm not one already. Ha.
Hot Fun in the Summertime
It's summer again.
It can reach 90 degrees in April and October, but the true sign of summer is outdoor domestic violence incidents.
I'm a single mom (2 year old boy) who lives on the ground floor on a quiet street dead-ended by a Catholic Church. Normally the nights are silent, after the few kids are called in from their skateboarding.
I was snuggled on the mattress on the floor watching my now-sacred hour of tv after my kid's asleep, when right outside my window, I heard banging, crashing of garbage cans, a baby crying, a child crying, and 2 or 3 people running. Some women yelled frantic profanities.
"You dare bring this trash inside my house?" my next door neighbor, Mindy, yelled.
Something like, "I'm the man here--I can do whatever...!" was yelled back.
I stayed in bed. You never know what anyone is packing these days. And if anything can make anyone crazy, it's family.
The police came. I didn't hear them pull up, but I heard their police radios for about a half hour.
When I got up this morning, the garbage cans had been knocked over.
I hate living by myself.
It can reach 90 degrees in April and October, but the true sign of summer is outdoor domestic violence incidents.
I'm a single mom (2 year old boy) who lives on the ground floor on a quiet street dead-ended by a Catholic Church. Normally the nights are silent, after the few kids are called in from their skateboarding.
I was snuggled on the mattress on the floor watching my now-sacred hour of tv after my kid's asleep, when right outside my window, I heard banging, crashing of garbage cans, a baby crying, a child crying, and 2 or 3 people running. Some women yelled frantic profanities.
"You dare bring this trash inside my house?" my next door neighbor, Mindy, yelled.
Something like, "I'm the man here--I can do whatever...!" was yelled back.
I stayed in bed. You never know what anyone is packing these days. And if anything can make anyone crazy, it's family.
The police came. I didn't hear them pull up, but I heard their police radios for about a half hour.
When I got up this morning, the garbage cans had been knocked over.
I hate living by myself.
Monday, June 6, 2005
Tips on Getting Laid Pt.3--Wisdom in 3 parts
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Friday, June 3, 2005
Oh, happiness!!!
Yesterday I got my Instant Death "New Evil Vibe" and Ween "Paintin' the Town Brown" cds--I went home and danced in my kitchen for about two hours, before collapsing,drenched in sweat on my mattress.
OK--for those who don't know: Deaner and Gener Weener are big fans of ID, and hired Dave from ID to be their bass player.
New Evil Vibe is a great album--the production is spare but clear, and sounds terrific. Also, the old tunes have "matured" well and really filled out nicely with some new solos and bass and drum riffing and spoken word.
Hee hee hee. I am so happy, my brain is doing the Snoopy Dance.
www.instantdeath.info
www.ween.com
OK--for those who don't know: Deaner and Gener Weener are big fans of ID, and hired Dave from ID to be their bass player.
New Evil Vibe is a great album--the production is spare but clear, and sounds terrific. Also, the old tunes have "matured" well and really filled out nicely with some new solos and bass and drum riffing and spoken word.
Hee hee hee. I am so happy, my brain is doing the Snoopy Dance.
www.instantdeath.info
www.ween.com
Thursday, June 2, 2005
I could tell she was evil by her sparkly barrette.
The way she curls her hair also spells vicious to me. 'Nuff said.
Tips on Getting Laid for the Shy, Part 2: Going Out By Yourself
So, have you started going out yet? Joined a few clubs? Yes, I said a few. If you really want to meet people, you have to go out a few times a week, doing different things.
No? You haven't? When am I going to start talking about internet dating because you just want to stay in front of your computer anyway?
I hate to break it to you, but even if you meet someone online, you will still have to meet them in person eventually, and the situation will just be a little weirder. Also, it may bring up the other pain-in-the-ass situation of long-distance romance.
Personal story interlude:
When I first came to the city when I was 18, I never went out for the pick up scene or to see bands or anything. I had no idea about any of that stuff. Until I turned "cool" when I was 16, I basically stayed home, studied the Tarot, read Larry Niven and David Eddings, and watched Ray Harryhausen flicks.
I had boyfriends and stuff, but it was not something I had to look for--just guys I met at my internship, or while visiting friends in college.
When I was out of school and out of a boyfriend at 22, I realized I would have to face the pickup scene, and I was terrified. At first, I only had the guts to walk near the bar. I would just walk by, pause for a second, and then walk to the bookstore. This went on for a few weeks before someone told me about a good band playing, and I went to see them. After that, I was still nervous about going out for a few weeks, but finally, I became addicted to the whole Lower East Side band scene, and had to go out 3 or 4 times a week. I made friends with musicians in a lot of different bands, started picking up guys I saw at the shows (man, I was such a lech), and having a great time. I am still friends with some of those people from 12 years ago. It was one of the best things I ever did.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it will be hard at first, but you have to make yourself go... whatever that takes. Promise to give yourself a treat for going out, or pray or call your friends or whatever it takes...but don't go out with expectations--not only will you be disappointed but you will proably miss out on other interesting and important things going on around you. You'll have good nights and bad ones, and a lot of good stories. And the more you go out the easier it will be.
No? You haven't? When am I going to start talking about internet dating because you just want to stay in front of your computer anyway?
I hate to break it to you, but even if you meet someone online, you will still have to meet them in person eventually, and the situation will just be a little weirder. Also, it may bring up the other pain-in-the-ass situation of long-distance romance.
Personal story interlude:
When I first came to the city when I was 18, I never went out for the pick up scene or to see bands or anything. I had no idea about any of that stuff. Until I turned "cool" when I was 16, I basically stayed home, studied the Tarot, read Larry Niven and David Eddings, and watched Ray Harryhausen flicks.
I had boyfriends and stuff, but it was not something I had to look for--just guys I met at my internship, or while visiting friends in college.
When I was out of school and out of a boyfriend at 22, I realized I would have to face the pickup scene, and I was terrified. At first, I only had the guts to walk near the bar. I would just walk by, pause for a second, and then walk to the bookstore. This went on for a few weeks before someone told me about a good band playing, and I went to see them. After that, I was still nervous about going out for a few weeks, but finally, I became addicted to the whole Lower East Side band scene, and had to go out 3 or 4 times a week. I made friends with musicians in a lot of different bands, started picking up guys I saw at the shows (man, I was such a lech), and having a great time. I am still friends with some of those people from 12 years ago. It was one of the best things I ever did.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it will be hard at first, but you have to make yourself go... whatever that takes. Promise to give yourself a treat for going out, or pray or call your friends or whatever it takes...but don't go out with expectations--not only will you be disappointed but you will proably miss out on other interesting and important things going on around you. You'll have good nights and bad ones, and a lot of good stories. And the more you go out the easier it will be.
Teary-Eyed Thanks...
I just want to take a second to thank all my friends (boyfriend, you are definitely included in that group) for their support while I went through my drama--actually it was more like an epileptic fit of the soul. I am completely touched and moved.
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