But Seriously Now: Emotional Abuse

emotional abuse: infliction of mental anguish in order to dominate

Anyone can be the victim of emotional abuse. It is probably the most common form of abuse used between married couples (especially from women to men). It is the most painful part of alcoholic marriages. It can cause invisible but lifelong scars in children. With the aging population, it can be all or part of elder abuse, but the care giver can also be the victim. (Think of Lili Taylor, at the beginning of “The Haunting”).

I think everyone has been both a victim and a perpetrator of emotional abuse occasionally: the boss who likes to see his employee cower once in a while; the girlfriend who tortures her boyfriend with threats of leaving; the wife who sometimes feels her husband can’t do anything right; the parent who guilts his kid into doing chores. It’s too common and too easy to do. But I am not talking about occasional manipulative behavior. I am talking about long-term, day-to-day cruelty, that raises stress levels, causes the use and abuse of drugs, depression, and “acting out” in more nasty ways than I can type right here.

How Do You Know If You Are a Victim of Emotional Abuse?

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells around this person?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything right for him/her?
Are you under constant threat (that you will lose your home/love/freedom)?
Are there certain signals that make you cringe before you even talk to that person?
Frequent guilt trips?
Do they try to shame you?
In a confrontation, do they keep switching sides, just trying to win the argument at any cost?
Do you feel inferior to this person? Do they try to make you feel inferior?
Are your feelings looked down upon? Outright sneered at?

What to Do If You Feel You Are the Victim of Emotional Abuse at Present

The first thing that you should know is that you have no power in this situation. This person is going to try to hurt you no matter what you do. You will never be able to please this person BECAUSE THIS ABUSE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND HOW GOOD/BAD/UGLY YOU ARE. It is all about the other person’s problems, which you cannot fix—and probably a world of psychotherapists couldn’t fix them either. So give yourself a break.

Read that paragraph over and over until you believe it, because it’s true.

Try to remove yourself physically from the situation, if that is all possible. Often, with emotional abuse, that is not possible, and is one of the reasons the abuse is so effective.

If you can’t get away, try to find a therapist or support group. Tell them that you want to deal with this subject. I have to say, I don’t believe that long-term talk therapy works. I think that pointed, 6 week discussions work.

Read up on stress management. There are so many books out there. Stress causes both physical and mental disease, and you are going to have to stay strong in the face of this person’s madness.

Remember that your best defense is to know that this person is trying to hurt you. Your pain is making him or her feel better—more powerful, right, better about himself. Why should you listen or pay attention or allow yourself to be hurt by someone as low as this? These words have nothing to do with you. Just ignore them.