Well, to be honest, it started out with a fight between me and my boyfriend. It was my first husband who noticed that I pick fights when I'm very horny, and I had been all week. So, on Friday night, I picked a fight, went home and cried myself to sleep. Out of horniness.
The next morning, I was still upset, and thought of cancelling thedinner with my boyfriend, my best old friend and his fiance, the coolest couple on staten island, and my pal from 23rd Mandalation. But somehow, I got myself together by telling myself I would have fun shopping for a special vintage outfit for the dinner. Telling myself I would find a pencil skirt in zebra stripes got me in a party mood.
Unfortunately, there wasn't one at the store...I ended up with a rock'n'roll princess outfit consisting of a black lace shawl, a halter top with a glittery skull on it, and a floor length taffeta skirt. I called my boyfriend to pick me up at the Everything Goes store, and went home where he took care of that little problem I mentioned before.
The next thing we knew, it was time to go into the city--I forgot my mascara, bought some at the Duane Reade, after standing in a long line and watching two Japanese ladies put away candy they wanted to buy, but were not going to because of the line. They should've kept it, because, basically, we were out the door before they were.
The boyfriend bought me a gold bracelet from a street vendor, and then we headed over to L'Annam, a Vietnamese restaurant. I had only been to their old location on 27th St., which I think I mostly enjoyed because their menu was in such broken English: besides, it featured Grandma Special Recipe Stew, which I think was made of grandmas. The new place had no a/c, the waitrons kept bringing us the wrong food, and finally picked up the tip before we left the table.
All of my friends, new and old, internet and bar buds, got along great. No, one had met each other before. My best friend's fiancee rolfed my arm at the table. We talked about Wonder Woman and her evil Panzer villain, Charles's upcoming play reading (it's his play being read, not him reading someone else's), Opus Dei, my friend Paranoidave who I left behind in Pittsburgh. Paranoidave was a paranoid schizophrenic who was afraid of black helicopters, George H.W. Bush, white vans and yellow trucks. It was Charles who said it sounded like Paranoid Lucky Charms "black helicopters, white vans, yellow trucks...mmmm...psychotically delicious!"
Afterward we went for egg creams, and finally beer at Otto's Shrunken Head, a tiki bar--and basically my favorite bar in the city. They were having the "midnight hop" The Rockin' 69's a rockabilly band was playing. We were all a little afraid because 1) the bass player had no ass, and was humping his upright bass 2) there were about 15 women there dressed as Betty Page. I had to ask one of them why. The answer made me cringe: "It's the look of the scene I guess." You know the scene has gone down hill when even the artsy kids can't think for themselves.
My gifts were an ameri-bear, Holy Blood Holy Grail, books by Lloyd Alexander, and an air conditioner.
Sunday night, the boyfriend and I drank, and hung out with sailors (it's fleet week) and people playing "Journey" on the juke at the Side Street Saloon.
Monday the boyfriend picked me up that air conditioner I mentioned earlier, and had dinner with his brother and his family.
There was so much more to the weekend. It was so great, I want to get a tattoo to remember it all by.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
My Heroes
I know a lot of people think that this blog is me, but that's just like saying a writer's magazine articles are him. To bring us back to reality, here is a list of my heroes. I hope you enjoy.
This is by chronological order. I don't think that anyone has been completely de-heroed, just gained or lost importance over time.
1. My dad.
2.Anyone who had a painting at MOMA
3.Laura Ingalls Wilder (the writer, not the TV character
4.The financial analyst on WBZ news around 1981. (He was just so smart!)
5.
Constantin Brancusi
6.
7. John Lennon
7.
Dennis O'Neil, because he took Batman who sold Wonderbread and made him an instrument of vengeance.
8. Alfred North Whitehead, educator
9. Edward Bellamy, utopian
10.
Len Kaminski--brilliant comic book writer with the wrong dream. Also boyfriend. Can you smell trouble?
11. Bill Gates, Steve Case, Steve Jobs, esp. Jobs.
12. John Paul Jones and John Bonham (rhythm section--look it up, if you have to)
13.
Dave Dreiwitz. Fab bass player--I kissed his hands like he was the pope once.
14. William Goldman, screenwriter
15.
Those Braun Bros.(foreground) of the Negatones: Brilliant Composers.
16.Julia Cameron
17.Ben Franklin
18. Urban pioneers
19. Stan Schmidt, editor of Analog
This is by chronological order. I don't think that anyone has been completely de-heroed, just gained or lost importance over time.
1. My dad.
2.Anyone who had a painting at MOMA
3.Laura Ingalls Wilder (the writer, not the TV character
4.The financial analyst on WBZ news around 1981. (He was just so smart!)
5.
Constantin Brancusi
6.
David Alfaro Siqueiros
7. John Lennon
7.
Dennis O'Neil, because he took Batman who sold Wonderbread and made him an instrument of vengeance.8. Alfred North Whitehead, educator
9. Edward Bellamy, utopian
10.
Len Kaminski--brilliant comic book writer with the wrong dream. Also boyfriend. Can you smell trouble?
11. Bill Gates, Steve Case, Steve Jobs, esp. Jobs.
12. John Paul Jones and John Bonham (rhythm section--look it up, if you have to)
13.
Dave Dreiwitz. Fab bass player--I kissed his hands like he was the pope once.
14. William Goldman, screenwriter
15.
Those Braun Bros.(foreground) of the Negatones: Brilliant Composers.
16.Julia Cameron
17.Ben Franklin
18. Urban pioneers
19. Stan Schmidt, editor of Analog
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Book Review: The System: How To Get Laid TODAY!
Okay, I will admit I was offended by the title: even hot chicks are more than just pieces of meat, you know. But then I was fascinated. Would this be about lies, tricks? Does this man know some core secret about women that even I do not know? But I squared my shoulders, opened the book, and found out that it is the Goddess's gift to men and women. All of us.
Think about this: every one, man or woman, just wants to get laid every once in a while, and this book is about getting those people together. So whether you are suffering from severe horniness, or suffering from your friend's severe horniness,it helps YOU. First of all, it teaches men how to scan for women who are horny at that instant (so they stay away from the rest of us) and teaches them the cues that women use to indicate interest/noninterest. Because face it, if there is anything more annoying than a guy hounding you all night, it's throwing yourself at a man all night only to learn later that he was into you too, but just had the blinders on for whatever reason. Men who read this book learn to pick up the cues faster, or move on faster. Yippee! Whotta gift!
The other thing this book teaches is for men to take control of the situation sooner, rather than later. Not every "good girl" feels like being "good" all the time. While Mr. Valentine has the gist of women, he doesn't seem to have all of the psychology down--and I'm kind of glad, because I wouldn't want him to know all of our secrets. But for an example, he seems to think that women look for men all the time because of some kind of conscious "game" they are playing, but really, it's because Cosmo or one of the other magazines runs an article every six months reminding us to look for men at the laundromat, or whatever, and supplies us a pick up line or two.
My favorite phrase in the book is "guaranteed panty dropper" and the book includes "Guaranteed Panty Dropping Recipes." I think it should be a sequal, or a cooking show. While I think it is very true that cooking for a woman REALLY REALLY helps, I have heard cooking horror stories from some of my male friends (which involved slaving over a hot stove all day), so I hesitate to use the word "guaranteed."
I think this book is a dandy read--men should pick it up just for the sections about body language and making a woman feel comfortable, even if they do not feel the need to get laid TODAY. Women should read it just for a clear idea of what they are up against (for instance, I didn't know that some men needed to be told not to spank me before we had sex. But apparently some men do. Desperately). But it is also bald in spots. It misses out on meeting intelligent women--we do get the itch too, y'know-- which requires more dialogue on current affairs, or outside interests, rather than just nodding while she talks and asking her about herself. Intelligent women are bored with themselves, but if they share your interests (like you meet them at the opera) they can be easier to talk to/listen to.
It also misses out on the technical--especially in the "How to Be an International Player" section. Okay, stop laughing or sneering: this is actually a section about maintaining casual relationships with women after the first encounter. He does write about treating women well, including being truthful and giving multiple orgasms and adding a little mystery. Aside: I did feel a little offended when I first started reading this chapter, but then I had to ask myself if I would advise women to sleep around while hunting for "the One" and I absolutely would--if for no other reasons than keeping perspective--and a strong ego-- when one guy turns out to be a married, another an alkie, another an international player, and finally, a nice, shy one that turns out to be a good guy. And then I didn't feel offended anymore. Like I said, there's little in the way of technical information: it mentions giving us multiple orgasms, but doesn't give any information on how to add stamina or cunninlingus methods. He also mentions leaving women wanting more--which, frankly, leaves me kicking the man's ass out the door while I call an old "friend" who can satisfy. Fortunately, that is what you all have myself and El Buncho for.
If you are single, buy this book!!! (Right now, I am selling my own for $15.00, incl. shipping in U.S.A., just to make back my losses on this and my biblioscopes. My copy is new. Email me at stephanier10301@yahoo.com. All love, no judgments.--Suki.)
Think about this: every one, man or woman, just wants to get laid every once in a while, and this book is about getting those people together. So whether you are suffering from severe horniness, or suffering from your friend's severe horniness,it helps YOU. First of all, it teaches men how to scan for women who are horny at that instant (so they stay away from the rest of us) and teaches them the cues that women use to indicate interest/noninterest. Because face it, if there is anything more annoying than a guy hounding you all night, it's throwing yourself at a man all night only to learn later that he was into you too, but just had the blinders on for whatever reason. Men who read this book learn to pick up the cues faster, or move on faster. Yippee! Whotta gift!
The other thing this book teaches is for men to take control of the situation sooner, rather than later. Not every "good girl" feels like being "good" all the time. While Mr. Valentine has the gist of women, he doesn't seem to have all of the psychology down--and I'm kind of glad, because I wouldn't want him to know all of our secrets. But for an example, he seems to think that women look for men all the time because of some kind of conscious "game" they are playing, but really, it's because Cosmo or one of the other magazines runs an article every six months reminding us to look for men at the laundromat, or whatever, and supplies us a pick up line or two.
My favorite phrase in the book is "guaranteed panty dropper" and the book includes "Guaranteed Panty Dropping Recipes." I think it should be a sequal, or a cooking show. While I think it is very true that cooking for a woman REALLY REALLY helps, I have heard cooking horror stories from some of my male friends (which involved slaving over a hot stove all day), so I hesitate to use the word "guaranteed."
I think this book is a dandy read--men should pick it up just for the sections about body language and making a woman feel comfortable, even if they do not feel the need to get laid TODAY. Women should read it just for a clear idea of what they are up against (for instance, I didn't know that some men needed to be told not to spank me before we had sex. But apparently some men do. Desperately). But it is also bald in spots. It misses out on meeting intelligent women--we do get the itch too, y'know-- which requires more dialogue on current affairs, or outside interests, rather than just nodding while she talks and asking her about herself. Intelligent women are bored with themselves, but if they share your interests (like you meet them at the opera) they can be easier to talk to/listen to.
It also misses out on the technical--especially in the "How to Be an International Player" section. Okay, stop laughing or sneering: this is actually a section about maintaining casual relationships with women after the first encounter. He does write about treating women well, including being truthful and giving multiple orgasms and adding a little mystery. Aside: I did feel a little offended when I first started reading this chapter, but then I had to ask myself if I would advise women to sleep around while hunting for "the One" and I absolutely would--if for no other reasons than keeping perspective--and a strong ego-- when one guy turns out to be a married, another an alkie, another an international player, and finally, a nice, shy one that turns out to be a good guy. And then I didn't feel offended anymore. Like I said, there's little in the way of technical information: it mentions giving us multiple orgasms, but doesn't give any information on how to add stamina or cunninlingus methods. He also mentions leaving women wanting more--which, frankly, leaves me kicking the man's ass out the door while I call an old "friend" who can satisfy. Fortunately, that is what you all have myself and El Buncho for.
If you are single, buy this book!!! (Right now, I am selling my own for $15.00, incl. shipping in U.S.A., just to make back my losses on this and my biblioscopes. My copy is new. Email me at stephanier10301@yahoo.com. All love, no judgments.--Suki.)
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Not This Girl
this was a bulletin on myspace. My myfriend Cirese added her own response. I will add my own response tomorrow.
From Cirese:
And I will put my responses in italic. I want to say here that there is nothing wrong with being somewhat needy. Without neediness, there is nothing to bring people together. And love and community are some of the most meaningful experiences life has to offer. Ask anyone. Ask Buddha or Jesus, or Aphrodite.--Sukes
--------------------------
*I was once this girl...maybe she is still buried deep inside somewhere under all of this.*
i'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...
I'M THE GIRL WHO WILL PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER BECAUSE YOU ARE SHORT. IF I WANT TO BE CLOSER TO YOU I WILL GRAB YOU AND GIVE YOU A BIG SMOOCH THEREBY ELIMINATING ALL DOUBT IN YOUR MIND.
I will probably not put my head on your shoulder, because that would interfere with our conversation.
i'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive resturant...
I'M THE GIRL THAT LIKES TO BE KISSED AFTER YOU HAVE ASKED MY PERMISSION FIRST. YOU EVEN TRY ONCE TO DO IT AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT OR IF YOU LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN SOMEONE VERY DEAD LIKE NOAH AND SOMEONE IN VEGAS LIKE TOM JONES, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT THE KISSING BUSINESS, OK? YOU CAN SAY HELLO TO BRUISES.
I'm the girl that is so horny, I will french kiss you in public or private. I also prefer sex in public.
i'm the girl who says,"ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because i actually want something, but because it means i get to spend more time with you...
I AM THE GIRL WILL DIRECTLY TELL YOU THE TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND MAKE YOU SIGN SOMETHING IF YOU OWE ME. I HAVE BEEN SCREWED OVER ENOUGH TIMES BEFORE. IF I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU I WILL TELL YOU SO DIRECTLY BECAUSE I'M NOT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I WILL EVEN MAKE SUGGESTIONS OF FUN THINGS TO DO.
I don't want anyone to think they owe me anything. I'm a lover, not an obligation.
i'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and i will ((or at least try to)) have fun because it means i am spending time with you...
I WILL NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN GOING POO. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN BUYING COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING GEAR AND ANYTHING INVOLVING ANY SPORT. IF I SOMEHOW ACCIDENTALLY GET DRAGGED ALONG I WILL POUT AND NOT TRY TO HAVE FUN AT ALL. TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE A LIST OF FUN THINGS WE BOTH ENJOY DOING. IF THERE IS NOTHING, WE WILL BE FORCED TO BREAK UP.
I had to divorce my second husband because he liked show tunes and Reggaetone. 'Nuff said.
i'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when i find someone i like i want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
WELL THIS IS ONLY SENSIBLE; BUT THERE IS STILL THAT LITTLE THING CALLED A PROMISE. I'M NOT JUST SPENDING THE NIGHT IN SOMEONE'S ARMS BECAUSE I HAVE PICKED THEM. THEY HAVE TO PICK ME TOO AND THEN AN AGREEMENT MUST BE REACHED TO NOT GO AROUND PICKING OTHER PEOPLE OR CASUAL DISEASES UP THAT MIGHT BE LYING AROUND.
I'm the girl who is a chaste (this does not mean what most people think it means), but raging nympho. I use the blink method (read a book!) and keep a supply of my favorite brand of condoms. Do I have to paint you a picture?
i'm the girl who never forgets all sweet little things you do for me...
I'M THE ONE THAT HAS TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN...
I thank profusely, and then only remember that you're a nice guy.
i'm the girl who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public...
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M THE ONE WHO ANSWERS THE MAIL WITHOUT HER TOP ON, AHAHAHAHAHA. NUDITY IS UNDER-RATED. ON THE OTHERHAND, I DO NOT GO "OUT" ON THE TOWN LIKE THIS. I WEAR BODY PAINT AT THE VERY LEAST.
I DO like to dress up for my guy. I want to get all that testosterone going to fuel the long night ahead of us.
i'm the girl who never gives up hope even when i tell others i have...
I MIGHT NOT GIVE UP HOPE, BUT I KNOW ENOUGH WHEN TO SAY 'NO' AND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING STUPID AND PRAYING FOR SOMEONE.
I am the girl who says, fukit, there are so many men out there, why dwell on the wrong one. The day I break up with someone is also the day the interesting ads appear on craigslist.
i'm the girl who once i let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. & even if we spend time apart.
YES, AND THAT NAME IS PROBABLY "IDIOT". I EXPECT ONLY THE BEST AS THAT'S WHAT I EXPECT FROM MYSELF.
I am the gal who wants to get your name tattooed on her back just for irony/white trash sleaze factor sake. (But when we break up, it'll immediately be covered by Batman logo, because Batman is hot!)
i'm the girl who never forgets you.
THIS IS VERY WISE FOR YOU TO NEVER EVER FORGET...
I'm the girl who does not remember the name of everyone she's slept with, especially from when I was 23. Twenty-three was the year I went on a "I sleep only with men who can't speak English" spree.
i'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
NOT ALWAYS I DON'T...
I'm the girl who loves to end with a shower. And then more sex.
i'm the girl who you can talk to you about anything...
THIS IS TRUE; BUT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY, BECAUSE I'M ALSO THE GIRL WHO REACTS TO EVERYTHING AS WELL AND YOU MIGHT JUST NOT LIKE IT. I DON'T TAKE ANY SHIT.
You can talk to me about anything. Just don't expect us to stay together if you say something degrading or stupid.
i'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
NOPE. IF THEY ARE STUPID, I DO NOT LAUGH. I WILL GIVE YOU AN HONEST CRITIQUE.
I love to laugh, but I hear I have a great withering look.
i'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
DEPENDS ON WHO YOU ARE. IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I TRUST YOU AND LIKE YOU AND PERHAPS LOVE YOU, THEN YES. FEW GET INTO THAT INNER CIRCLE, RIGHT ABDUL?
If we don't make each other laugh, I will leave you.
i'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
HELL NO. I'M THE ONE WHO KEEPS YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm the girl who brags about you to her friends...and brags about all her friends to you until you are afraid to meet them and all their superior coolness.
i'm the girl who will listen to you talk...
YES, I COLLECT DATA. AND IF I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ENDLESSLY.
I'm with Cirese on this one.
i'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
DUH
Double Duh.
i'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead..
WITH PROPER IDENTIFICATION THAT IT IS YOU DOING THIS. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT END UP FLAT ON YOUR BACK... WHICH, COME TO THINK OF IT IS JUST WHERE I MIGHT LIKE YOU TO BE.
This will not happen because of my past, I know to keep my back to the wall, and eyes on the door.
i'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
NOT NECESSARILY. IF PEOPLE ARE GOING AROUND SAYING YOU ARE HAVE A PAST AS A SERIAL KILLER AND AN ARREST RECORD, I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THEM NO MATTER THAT YOU CAN EXPLAIN THE BLOOD UNDER YOUR NAILS.
I have a backbone, but I know that sometimes other people are right.
i'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...
UM NO. THIS DEPENDS. AM I YOUR GIRLFRIEND? HAVE WE AGREED ON THIS BEFOREHAND? IF YOU JUST START INTRODUCING ME AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND I'M NOT. THERE WILL BE REPURCONCUCUSSIONS.
You better introduce me as your girlfriend; as soon as I feel shamed or hidden, I'm outta there.
i'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word...
THIS CAN BE NICE. THEN AGAIN, I'M THE GIRL WHO WILL TAKE 'YOU' BY THE HAND WITHOUT A WORD. HELL, I'LL EVEN TRY TO PICK YOU UP BODILY...
I like the hand holding, but I prefer the old-fashioned, Grace Kelly, my-hand-in-the crook of your-elbow routine.
----------------------
Below is a bunch of immature, self-righteous garbage.
SWEET HEARTED GIRLS : If you are this girl repost this saying "I'm this girl"
THIS SHOULD BE "I'M A CODEPENDENT GIRL"
DUDES: If you want this girl repost "I want this Girl"
THIS SHOULD BE "I WANT A CODEPENDENT GIRL"
LUCKY BASTARDS: repost "I have this girl"
THIS SHOULD BE "I WANT A CODEPENDENT GIRL"
UNLUCKY GUYS: "I had this girl, once. I want her back
THIS SHOULD BE "I NEED THERAPY, SO I CAN GET A HEALTHY GIRL"
----------------------------
....AND OF COURSE
GIRLS WITH HIGH SELF EXTREME: "I am OK by myself. But if I happen to meet the right person for me; wonderful. We'll see where it goes!"
From Cirese:
So far I have seen this pathetic thing twice and I want to put a stop to it.
This girl is CoDependent and Easily led. I will now demonstrate how an Independent Girl with some Good Self Extreme and a Sense of Humor is:
The original ridiculousness is in lower case. I will respond with ALL CAPS
And I will put my responses in italic. I want to say here that there is nothing wrong with being somewhat needy. Without neediness, there is nothing to bring people together. And love and community are some of the most meaningful experiences life has to offer. Ask anyone. Ask Buddha or Jesus, or Aphrodite.--Sukes
--------------------------
*I was once this girl...maybe she is still buried deep inside somewhere under all of this.*
i'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...
I'M THE GIRL WHO WILL PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER BECAUSE YOU ARE SHORT. IF I WANT TO BE CLOSER TO YOU I WILL GRAB YOU AND GIVE YOU A BIG SMOOCH THEREBY ELIMINATING ALL DOUBT IN YOUR MIND.
I will probably not put my head on your shoulder, because that would interfere with our conversation.
i'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive resturant...
I'M THE GIRL THAT LIKES TO BE KISSED AFTER YOU HAVE ASKED MY PERMISSION FIRST. YOU EVEN TRY ONCE TO DO IT AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT OR IF YOU LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN SOMEONE VERY DEAD LIKE NOAH AND SOMEONE IN VEGAS LIKE TOM JONES, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT THE KISSING BUSINESS, OK? YOU CAN SAY HELLO TO BRUISES.
I'm the girl that is so horny, I will french kiss you in public or private. I also prefer sex in public.
i'm the girl who says,"ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because i actually want something, but because it means i get to spend more time with you...
I AM THE GIRL WILL DIRECTLY TELL YOU THE TERMS OF AGREEMENT AND MAKE YOU SIGN SOMETHING IF YOU OWE ME. I HAVE BEEN SCREWED OVER ENOUGH TIMES BEFORE. IF I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU I WILL TELL YOU SO DIRECTLY BECAUSE I'M NOT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I WILL EVEN MAKE SUGGESTIONS OF FUN THINGS TO DO.
I don't want anyone to think they owe me anything. I'm a lover, not an obligation.
i'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and i will ((or at least try to)) have fun because it means i am spending time with you...
I WILL NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN GOING POO. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN BUYING COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING GEAR AND ANYTHING INVOLVING ANY SPORT. IF I SOMEHOW ACCIDENTALLY GET DRAGGED ALONG I WILL POUT AND NOT TRY TO HAVE FUN AT ALL. TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE A LIST OF FUN THINGS WE BOTH ENJOY DOING. IF THERE IS NOTHING, WE WILL BE FORCED TO BREAK UP.
I had to divorce my second husband because he liked show tunes and Reggaetone. 'Nuff said.
i'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when i find someone i like i want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms...
WELL THIS IS ONLY SENSIBLE; BUT THERE IS STILL THAT LITTLE THING CALLED A PROMISE. I'M NOT JUST SPENDING THE NIGHT IN SOMEONE'S ARMS BECAUSE I HAVE PICKED THEM. THEY HAVE TO PICK ME TOO AND THEN AN AGREEMENT MUST BE REACHED TO NOT GO AROUND PICKING OTHER PEOPLE OR CASUAL DISEASES UP THAT MIGHT BE LYING AROUND.
I'm the girl who is a chaste (this does not mean what most people think it means), but raging nympho. I use the blink method (read a book!) and keep a supply of my favorite brand of condoms. Do I have to paint you a picture?
i'm the girl who never forgets all sweet little things you do for me...
I'M THE ONE THAT HAS TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN...
I thank profusely, and then only remember that you're a nice guy.
i'm the girl who actually keeps her body parts in her clothing in public...
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M THE ONE WHO ANSWERS THE MAIL WITHOUT HER TOP ON, AHAHAHAHAHA. NUDITY IS UNDER-RATED. ON THE OTHERHAND, I DO NOT GO "OUT" ON THE TOWN LIKE THIS. I WEAR BODY PAINT AT THE VERY LEAST.
I DO like to dress up for my guy. I want to get all that testosterone going to fuel the long night ahead of us.
i'm the girl who never gives up hope even when i tell others i have...
I MIGHT NOT GIVE UP HOPE, BUT I KNOW ENOUGH WHEN TO SAY 'NO' AND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING STUPID AND PRAYING FOR SOMEONE.
I am the girl who says, fukit, there are so many men out there, why dwell on the wrong one. The day I break up with someone is also the day the interesting ads appear on craigslist.
i'm the girl who once i let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. & even if we spend time apart.
YES, AND THAT NAME IS PROBABLY "IDIOT". I EXPECT ONLY THE BEST AS THAT'S WHAT I EXPECT FROM MYSELF.
I am the gal who wants to get your name tattooed on her back just for irony/white trash sleaze factor sake. (But when we break up, it'll immediately be covered by Batman logo, because Batman is hot!)
i'm the girl who never forgets you.
THIS IS VERY WISE FOR YOU TO NEVER EVER FORGET...
I'm the girl who does not remember the name of everyone she's slept with, especially from when I was 23. Twenty-three was the year I went on a "I sleep only with men who can't speak English" spree.
i'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...
NOT ALWAYS I DON'T...
I'm the girl who loves to end with a shower. And then more sex.
i'm the girl who you can talk to you about anything...
THIS IS TRUE; BUT BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY, BECAUSE I'M ALSO THE GIRL WHO REACTS TO EVERYTHING AS WELL AND YOU MIGHT JUST NOT LIKE IT. I DON'T TAKE ANY SHIT.
You can talk to me about anything. Just don't expect us to stay together if you say something degrading or stupid.
i'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...
NOPE. IF THEY ARE STUPID, I DO NOT LAUGH. I WILL GIVE YOU AN HONEST CRITIQUE.
I love to laugh, but I hear I have a great withering look.
i'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one...
DEPENDS ON WHO YOU ARE. IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I TRUST YOU AND LIKE YOU AND PERHAPS LOVE YOU, THEN YES. FEW GET INTO THAT INNER CIRCLE, RIGHT ABDUL?
If we don't make each other laugh, I will leave you.
i'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends...
HELL NO. I'M THE ONE WHO KEEPS YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm the girl who brags about you to her friends...and brags about all her friends to you until you are afraid to meet them and all their superior coolness.
i'm the girl who will listen to you talk...
YES, I COLLECT DATA. AND IF I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ENDLESSLY.
I'm with Cirese on this one.
i'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
DUH
Double Duh.
i'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead..
WITH PROPER IDENTIFICATION THAT IT IS YOU DOING THIS. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT END UP FLAT ON YOUR BACK... WHICH, COME TO THINK OF IT IS JUST WHERE I MIGHT LIKE YOU TO BE.
This will not happen because of my past, I know to keep my back to the wall, and eyes on the door.
i'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...
NOT NECESSARILY. IF PEOPLE ARE GOING AROUND SAYING YOU ARE HAVE A PAST AS A SERIAL KILLER AND AN ARREST RECORD, I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THEM NO MATTER THAT YOU CAN EXPLAIN THE BLOOD UNDER YOUR NAILS.
I have a backbone, but I know that sometimes other people are right.
i'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend...
UM NO. THIS DEPENDS. AM I YOUR GIRLFRIEND? HAVE WE AGREED ON THIS BEFOREHAND? IF YOU JUST START INTRODUCING ME AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND I'M NOT. THERE WILL BE REPURCONCUCUSSIONS.
You better introduce me as your girlfriend; as soon as I feel shamed or hidden, I'm outta there.
i'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word...
THIS CAN BE NICE. THEN AGAIN, I'M THE GIRL WHO WILL TAKE 'YOU' BY THE HAND WITHOUT A WORD. HELL, I'LL EVEN TRY TO PICK YOU UP BODILY...
I like the hand holding, but I prefer the old-fashioned, Grace Kelly, my-hand-in-the crook of your-elbow routine.
----------------------
Below is a bunch of immature, self-righteous garbage.
SWEET HEARTED GIRLS : If you are this girl repost this saying "I'm this girl"
THIS SHOULD BE "I'M A CODEPENDENT GIRL"
DUDES: If you want this girl repost "I want this Girl"
THIS SHOULD BE "I WANT A CODEPENDENT GIRL"
LUCKY BASTARDS: repost "I have this girl"
THIS SHOULD BE "I WANT A CODEPENDENT GIRL"
UNLUCKY GUYS: "I had this girl, once. I want her back
THIS SHOULD BE "I NEED THERAPY, SO I CAN GET A HEALTHY GIRL"
----------------------------
....AND OF COURSE
GIRLS WITH HIGH SELF EXTREME: "I am OK by myself. But if I happen to meet the right person for me; wonderful. We'll see where it goes!"
Saturday, May 6, 2006
The Ruthless Nympho Method/Success with Men Review.
"How to Succeed with Men" is actually a good book for women getting back into the singles scene and would like to find a steady boyfriend. This is not a book about getting married. (This is written by men--they wouldn't betray their kind so easily!)
As a Nympho, I only use the Ruthless Nympho method (which only work for chics who love sex, but hey, I'm just me here!)
The Ruthless Nympho method:
1. Go to a place that you enjoy, where a lot of men hang out. Hopefully, you won't know any of them.
2. While you flirt, use your gut instinct to decide if there is any possibility any one of them could be your best friend. Even if they seem shy or awkward. If so, give this guy the most amazing sex of his life as soon as possible. Yes, sex in public restrooms is ok, but only if they're clean. Tip: carry your own supply of your favorite condom.
3. Forget him. Repeat steps one and two. This may take a few tries, but its awfully fun.
4. When he finally tracks you down (and one of these guys will, even if he has to stalk you) get him totally addicted to sex with you, by fucking his brains out all the time.
5. After a few weeks the love hormones kick in (it's true, the New York magazine says so), and he will find the idea of your having sex with anyone else somewhere between repugnant and completely insane.
6. Complete. Enjoy your warm bed every night!
If you are not that shy and have some technical skill, this should only take you about a month, especially if you include some guys that you believe had a crush on you while you were attached.
If you are shy, but are fab in bed (you know this is true because you are always having a good time in bed), replace step one with online dating. You should find someone goooood in a month.
If you don't have any technical skill at all--sex is not fun, don't bother with this method, but do buy yourself a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and "The Joy of Sex," because you deserve to have all the fun in bed you can in this lifetime.
As a Nympho, I only use the Ruthless Nympho method (which only work for chics who love sex, but hey, I'm just me here!)
The Ruthless Nympho method:
1. Go to a place that you enjoy, where a lot of men hang out. Hopefully, you won't know any of them.
2. While you flirt, use your gut instinct to decide if there is any possibility any one of them could be your best friend. Even if they seem shy or awkward. If so, give this guy the most amazing sex of his life as soon as possible. Yes, sex in public restrooms is ok, but only if they're clean. Tip: carry your own supply of your favorite condom.
3. Forget him. Repeat steps one and two. This may take a few tries, but its awfully fun.
4. When he finally tracks you down (and one of these guys will, even if he has to stalk you) get him totally addicted to sex with you, by fucking his brains out all the time.
5. After a few weeks the love hormones kick in (it's true, the New York magazine says so), and he will find the idea of your having sex with anyone else somewhere between repugnant and completely insane.
6. Complete. Enjoy your warm bed every night!
If you are not that shy and have some technical skill, this should only take you about a month, especially if you include some guys that you believe had a crush on you while you were attached.
If you are shy, but are fab in bed (you know this is true because you are always having a good time in bed), replace step one with online dating. You should find someone goooood in a month.
If you don't have any technical skill at all--sex is not fun, don't bother with this method, but do buy yourself a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and "The Joy of Sex," because you deserve to have all the fun in bed you can in this lifetime.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Guides to Getting Laid. Biblioscopes. Yeesh.
So, I write these things called Biblioscopes once a week on 23rd-mandalation and on myspace. I use books for divining the future for the coming week for all sun signs. I try to pick books no one would usually pick. Last week, I got "How to Have Success with Men" or some such nonsense, about how to get married. These books were bunk. I know how to get married. Did it twice, lived with one guy once who still thinks we are married, even though we never got married nor were even close (deranged).
Okay, so to balance the stupid "how to get married" book, I tried to find a "how to get laid" book, which, if you look at the archives, is how this all got started. There are no "how to get laid" books at the public library. I'm thinking I may have to buy one. So I went to Amazon. And I became very, very afraid, and very fascinated. First of all, none of the girls on the book covers look like me (of course). Which is scary, because I'm getting older, etc., etc. Actually, I never looked too much like those chics in the first place (too much personality in my face, never was skinny). Secondly, it makes me afraid, because I am kind of good looking, and I hate feeling like prey. It is freekin' scary if you ask me. And thirdly, which I think is my worst fear of all, is this: would any of these techniques work on me? I mean, I'm attached, so I'm out of the game. But if I weren't, would this crap work on me? I don't want them to. On the other hand, what does it mean about me if they don't? I told everyone I was going to write this, so whether I want to look into this book or not, I'm going to have to...
Okay, so to balance the stupid "how to get married" book, I tried to find a "how to get laid" book, which, if you look at the archives, is how this all got started. There are no "how to get laid" books at the public library. I'm thinking I may have to buy one. So I went to Amazon. And I became very, very afraid, and very fascinated. First of all, none of the girls on the book covers look like me (of course). Which is scary, because I'm getting older, etc., etc. Actually, I never looked too much like those chics in the first place (too much personality in my face, never was skinny). Secondly, it makes me afraid, because I am kind of good looking, and I hate feeling like prey. It is freekin' scary if you ask me. And thirdly, which I think is my worst fear of all, is this: would any of these techniques work on me? I mean, I'm attached, so I'm out of the game. But if I weren't, would this crap work on me? I don't want them to. On the other hand, what does it mean about me if they don't? I told everyone I was going to write this, so whether I want to look into this book or not, I'm going to have to...
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