ToGL for Women: Approachability or The Deer that Wanted to Be Hunted

Men think women have it easy--all these guys approaching them all the time with er--"love" and "best intentions" and the best lines they can come up with. Okay, some guys do come over with good intentions. They really do. Honest!

Meanwhile, for women, the big complaint is this: the guy I like doesn't like me. Or he does but he's not available (married, girlfriend, six jobs, alcoholic, whatever). Sometimes the guy just isn't into but he's too much of a coward (no, not a nice guy) to say something effectively off-putting.

Now, I do think women should approach men. Why the hell not?

But when an old boyfriend asked me how many I'd had, I tried to remember them all. And I noticed something: my success rate was much lower and took much longer when I was pursuing someone in particular, rather than just going out to where there were a very high percentage of men (I like punk clubs) and letting them come up to me. Pursuing men (crushes) are a real waste of time.

How to Be Approachable.

Men think it is really easy. All you do is just look nice and stand there, right? Have a drink and run your fingers through your hair.

Um, no. I feel a lot like a deer in an enclosed hunting range. Yes, but don't I want to get hit? Um, maybe? Will the hunter be smart and nice? I don't like feeling all those eyes on me, or people thinking "ohhhh, she's looking to get laid." The whole thing is extremely nasty. And then of course, there are all those nights of getting all dressed up, etc., and coming home empty-handed.

I asked a guy friend about the whole dress up routine, and he said men see a woman all dressed up and think, "a creature like that will have nothing to do with me."

To be approachable you have to throw yourself in a room full of men (think hard rock shows, hockey arena, martial arts exhibition fights, monster truck rallies, whatever you find most likeable/least offensive), and you have to look pretty, but not too pretty. So, whatever you are thinking of wearing, tone it down: jeans instead of a skirt, maybe; a more natural look with the make-up; only one piece of jewelry.

You should also be alone. By yourself. Don't bring a friend, because that will distract you from the people trying to have conversation. If you feel shy, bring a book, a drawing pad, crossword puzzle, if it could be appropriate (like a bar) or just get yourself a drink and start looking at the art in the room (at a party).

Try to forget you are being watched/judged and have fun, no matter where you are. The best way to do that is to just focus on having fun--whatever that might be for you at that moment. Hopefully you'll get so caught up in enjoying yourself, you'll attract the attention of many men in the room.

And don't forget to run those fingers through your hair.