ToGL: How to Write a Personal Ad

Nothing turns me foaming mouth rabid like a personal ad that looks like this:

“Good looking girl seeks good looking guy. Works out 3 days a week. Witty.”

They may have some line about fine dining, cuddling by a fire, or sunset-lit walks by some scummy puddle. Or head games. And that’s it. There’s probably some badly-lit, nose-enhancing photo that was taken of the writer by his own hand.

I have a history with personals that spans 16 years, and I wrote them for a lot of different reasons: social experiments (write about myself different ways, see what I get); dinner (when I was starving in college); anger (because writing personals used to be an art, dammit!)

The last personal ad I wrote was about 10 months ago. I was angry, like I am now. What happened was I went to craig’s list to scan personals for fun, found the bs like above, and wrote my own ad (no photo, because I’m old school) to show them how it should be done. I wrote that I had a kid and he comes first, that if everyone on this site is so great, why aren’t they out getting laid, and described myself completely, from clothing sizes to hair style to what I like doing by myself to what I like doing with my guy, (yes, sexually), and also what I like to do, my interests, etc. And I met the best guy. We're still together. The interesting thing to me was that I took a tough tone in my ad, and I met powerful people: pro-wrestlers, fashion designers, editors. No joke.

How to Write A Personal Ad
Everyone:
1. You are not looking for the largest number of responses. While flattering to the ego, a large number of responses wastes a lot of time and money. All you need is one response: the right one.

2. Be truthful. Tell them how you look. Not what you weigh, because that can be deceiving. And not some broad adjectives, like skinny or fat or bodacious. If people compliment you on anything, say so. How tall you are, your clothing sizes, hair color, eye color. If you want a photo to cover this, make sure that someone else takes it, that you are not at a wedding, and that you are outside, and look a little nicer than usual.

3. If you have anyone special already in your life, be it a child, or wife, or a cat, say so. A lot of people are allergic to children, spouses and/or pets. Bring it up in your ad, and save everyone (including yourself) some time.

4. Write down what you like to do, whether it is watching "Friends" or illegally training a pet dolphin in your pool. Write down ideally how much and what kind of sex you like or not like. You don't have to get too deep into the description, or too graphic or visual. You can say something like, "I like giving and getting oral, but I don't let anyone play with my feet." That's it. Keep those foot fetishists at bay.

5. Describing the other person.

Think back to any qualities that all your boyfriends/girlfriends shared in all of your successful relationships. Like, I realized that all my favorite boyfriends had very large media collections: records, tapes, cds, dvds, videos, books--basically massive libraries in their homes. I made sure to put that in my ad. This may take some time and some lists, but maybe all of your favorites liked "Friends" or something.

An ad written by a straight woman should list her minimum physical requirements for a guy. Not the maximum. You may think that will get you less than what you ask for, but actually, you will get honest guys that are more than what you ask for. I asked for someone taller than me (5'5 or taller) and no fatter than Jack Black in my last ad. My guy is 5'9, and 160lbs. Perfect.

An ad written by a man, ideally, should not list any physical requirements that have to do with a woman's body, other than maybe her height. Women are in a difficult position: society tells them they all have to look like Paris Hilton, but that'll never be so, and you will probably miss out on women without huge egos if you talk about how beautiful they have to be. I think the best way to hedge this whole issue is to be very vague:" slim pref.", or "endowed pref.", "only responses with pix will be answered" (but you better have your own pic up for that one). And if you want someone very athletic, you should probably cover that in your interests section, as in, "After a long day studying frog genitalia in the lab, I want someone to bike ride ten miles with me and recount to me what happened on "Survivor." Something like that will probably get all of the dumb, fat chics who need you home at 6:30 at bay.

6. Write your "headline" last. Write everything else. Don't worry about being too witty. In my experience, the wittier the ad, the dumber the respondents. Just try to be clear. At the end, of all your lists, see if there is any kind of common thread, witty head line you can come up with. If not, just look at the list of activities you like to do, pick out your favorite one, and just say "Seeking someone to ______ with me."