Harmless

When I was about 12 years old, after I had gotten over my crush on obviously gay, muscular calendar boys, and my painful puppy love of Alan Alda (I had written a heartfelt fan letter, and had gotten only his autograph STAMPED on postcard bearing his face in return), I had my first crush on a slim, fortyish man with small, gold-rimmed glasses, and a receding hair line. He was the financial analyst that the local news interviewed at about 6:40 am. My heart was throbbing.

My mom, seeing me trying to climb into the to the kitchen table’s tv screen says, “Him? He looks harmless.”

Not even knowing what a hard-on was at the time, I did not know what she was talking about.

Now, as experienced as I am, I still do not know what she was talking about. I mean, if harmless means that these people are not going to try to date rape you, you’d think they’d be snapped up in seconds, and never single. Ever. But we all know the truth.

There is a horrifying myth that nice guys whose foreheads are large, and not sloping, who did not have to go to college to evolve opposable thumbs, are “good” and don’t like sex. And if they do, they’re somehow pervier than the primitive screwheads who are out and about playing grab-ass. (Compare in your mind Paul Rubens aka Pee Wee Herman at a porn movie theater vs. that asshole who just spent 241G’s at Scores.)

I want to fill all the chics in the world out there on something: AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL guys like sex. Every single one. Wants. To. Stick. His. Cock. Into. Something. Hot. And. Wet. I am serious. Young, old, fat, skinny, toned, geeky, narcissistic, rich, poor. The president? Yes. The homeless guy? Yes.

The really smart financial analyst in the suit and glasses? Yes. And I really have to take a moment to sing the praises of being in bed with a smart and nice guy. First of all, all guys think about sex much of the time. Smart guys have much more going on up there than dumb ones, and so I actually think that they are able to think about sex, and manage everything else they have to get by during the day at the same time, where as dumber ones can only think about one thing at a time. Got that? Okay. So smart guys think about sex more, really, can come up with more creative ideas of how they want to fuck, more fantasies, etc., etc. Which doesn’t have to be sick and fetishy. Just interesting.

The other thing about these guys being nice is that they think about pleasing you in bed. Fan…tas…tic… Smart guys can really eat pussy. And finger fuck you to high heaven. And pretty much do whatever you want in bed. They have, as I like to think, the engineering.

The only thing these guys slip-up on is a tendency to over-think the situation—that situation of actually getting a girl into bed for all the fun stuff. I think this is where the “harmless” myth comes from. They can feel the urge to drag a girl home by the hair as well as any man, but they worry about saying something that sounds sleazy or stupid or boorish. I say, just say it. Go for it. I mean, the poor girl is probably waiting for you. Or just start touching her and see what she does. Really. Just blow the harmless myth to smithereens.