How to Succeed with Men

I am on my second beer this morning (see previous post). I got out “How to Succeed with Men” from the library because I thought it would be terribly funny for Biblioscopes, but on my way home from dropping my kid off with his dad, I started to wonder about it. Do these guys really know something I do not know? So I started reading. It is a very fast read. It is has so far been essentially a book of lists: 10 Step Master Plan, 8 Myths About Dating You Can’t Afford to Believe, Seven Steps of Creating Your Relationship Action Plan, etc., etc.

The section entitled “Charting Your Men” made me laugh so hard on the 5 train, everyone was staring at me.

To break it down, these guys think that success with men means getting married. And I do think that is mostly true about women. As the ones who are weakened by pregnancy, and end up raising the kids, I think it’s hard-wired into our systems to try to mate for life, just as it is hard-wired into the male system to propagate the species. But I also think that the things that get us past this disparity is what make us find our spirituality and our humanity. (uh-oh! Drinking! I’m getting philosophical!)

The guys who wrote this book are goal-oriented, and I think that their time-line is totally off. They talk about presenting a “commitment deal” after only four-months of solid, steady dating, and I wouldn’t dream of it before a year. They also think that you should “test” your dates for the qualities that you are looking for (patience, loyalty, etc.) whereas I use the ‘Blink’ method. ‘Blink’ was the book that said all decisions were so complex that you should make your decision on your gut instinct, from the first second you see the subject—in this case, a guy.

They put the kibosh on dating myths (or they just could’ve said man myths) like “All the good ones are married or gay; or “Men can’t handle a powerful woman.” They were mostly right, except for “Men have fragile egos” which to them is a variation on the “men are babies” theme. I personally think that both men and women are insecure in different ways. Men have a strong need to be #1 to their women. I don’t mean first. I mean best. Doubt me? Just have a talk about how you dated a millionaire a couple times or start talking about notches in bedposts. (If yours are more than his, and there will be, if you are a good looking woman, prepare for a lot of crabbing.) So, what does this mean? If you feel a strong need to be negative, put it in a positive light. Instead of, “you smoke too much,” it should be “I don’t want you to die. You are too important. I need you too much.” Think framing, ladies, framing! And if you don’t really want to bother doing this, remember that you make them behave a certain way around you (no staring at waitress’s breasts, whatever) and they deserve this too.

I will plow through the rest of this thing, even though I have a man. I am dying to see what they say about “How to Be Successful with Women” aren’t you?

Where the heck Suki has been.

It’s almost 8am, and I still can’t get back to sleep. I have no milk to increase my serotonin level (which leads to comfort and sleep) so I am drinking a beer. Sue me. I was up so late last night that to me, its not even morning yet. It’s still the middle of the night.

I have been on myspace, on an international myfriend-finding tour.(Myfriend is a term I like to distinguish between friends on myspace and actual friends, because on my friend-finding tour I have learned that some people think their myfriends should only be their actual real-life, non-electronic friends, and other people think their myfriends are people they have fukt or will fuk.) I went from having a couple subscribers to my blog (who I knew personally) and a couple of local myfriends to having almost 70 friends from around the world, and fourteen blog subscribers. I’ve been searching for friends in a broad age group—30 to 55—who either work in publishing or practice wicca. For some reason I get along with both, so that’s how I ran my searches. One of my myfriends lives in Iceland, and is quite the sexy, witty writer. Another is a tattoo artist and fire swallower in England, and I saw the coolest fire-dancing videos on one of his myfriends sites.

I think I actually started having fun on myspace after making about 50 friends, and joining a few groups. I write on the New We Hate Staten Island Group In my last topic,I mentioned the last place I had had public sex on the island, and asked others for their experiences. I am learning a lot about my new home this way: men answered nearly exclusively, because everyone is so Catholic on this rock. By the way, my new Staten Island sex fantasy involves having sex in the fog. Staten Island is quite the foggy place some mornings. I better have my boyfriend on-call. I write a more personal blog over there. It is nice to have “a place to rest on the page.”

So, I reverse my review from January. Join myspace. Make lots of friends (use the search and browse functions), join lots of groups, and hang out.

Suki plays by herself

In my effort to enjoy the weekend (seeing as my kid and boyfriend were out of town) I found myself staring at a gaggle of twenty-somethings at the Side Street Salloon. It was a cluster of about three males telling terrible jokes around every female who was primping her hair.

I left the bar, thinking, well, might as well go home. And then I realized the boat was right there. I hopped on the 10pm boat to the city, and over to one of my favorite bars. Yes, by myself. Going by yourself is great, because you can leave whenever you want. And if you act crazy, no one who knows your social circle can report it.


The wonderful decor at the bar extends even to the ladies room, where a sign by the toilet begins "Not even Noah's Ark will save you from the flood that will occur if you..."

I saw my first speed wave band there. Speed wave? Well, remember New Wave? with drum machines and synthesizers? But this was played ten times faster, with a rawkin' drummer, who played drums along with the drum machine and a bass player who jumped around alternating between bass and the synth. FAN-TASTIC. Yes, I bought a t-shirt and hat. They had ray guns on them. How could I be working for 23rd Mandalation and not buy them?

I also danced my ass off to The Rants who had both a wicked sense of humor and a wicked groove. They played every version of "GLORIA". It lasted 15 minutes, until the guitarist was sick of it, and just leaned his guitar against his speaker for feed back, and the bass player and I both collapsed on the floor, begging the singer to stop.

Yes, I got home at 3:30. What a great time.

Head Games

I think everyone can agree that the sexual life of long term relationships goes through certain stages: lust/chemistry, intimacy, habit/boredom/just-getting-off. Of course, there will always be especially hot nights during the last phase, and bad (physique/performance anxiety or just plain awkwardness) nights in the beginning.

But if someone especially loves sex, and wants to really enjoy steamy nights for the rest of their lives, they will go for someone smarter, rather than "hotter." Not that smart people can't be hot, but usually they spend more time reading than body building, and that makes for a certain physique.

My reasoning is simple, and simply this: 75% of enjoyment of sex is in your head, and in your head only. And I'm not talking about Brangelina fantasies. I'm talking about sensitivity, imagination, and open-mindedness. These are the qualities in a person that can make great sex go on forever, and always seem different.

Sensitivity stems from the other person being able to see and understand your signals and moods. Yes, it takes time, and caring. But it also takes some intelligence to digest all that information that you are dishing out with body-language--or even just what you are trying to express.

Imagination and open-mindedness are more closely linked, and I think obvious. Thinking of new positions, locations (along with the sensitivity to feel the difference) and attempts to try them out will always keep things fresh. But there is also the psychological side of sex to explore: mild kink or fantasy or restraint or "games." And when I'm talking about games I don't mean how long to wait before calling, but games of touching and blindfolds, mild restraint games can add new aspects to the whole experience.

And this is why I say give the guy or gal with the glasses and book a try. Instead of fun for a month, maybe fun for a long, long time.

Masked Sex--A Dangerous Game?

One of the things I have not done yet is have sex in a domino mask with a masked partner. The reason I am thinking about domino masks is that they de-individuate each person, rather than, say, a mask of something, which people once wore to channel the spirit of that being (joy, sickness, sorrow, the spirit of the oxen, whatever)into themselves.

In the link above, they note that de-individuation through masks invites baser behavior (like taking more candy) and as a sexual animist (I got in trouble with my boyfriend for biting the other day) I wonder what my baser behavior would be. I wonder what my lover's would be. I wonder what we would become together.

I suppose some mild psycho-active drugging would probably be needed for full effect (light drinking, very mild drugs) and some extra time and mirrors to get used to seeing our new non-identities.

If anyone's tried this--or other experiences with masks, please comment or write to me.

Personals in Sri Lanka

Check the above link.

I just couldn't believe it, it's true: they use classified ads to find their daughters husbands. Listings of dowry in the ads.

Holy crap.